Reaching and reaching.

As everyone who has and will read this knows, I attend a competitive public magnet school. I chose my school because I knew that the academics would be awesome and I would learn a lot. Additionally, I thought that the school would actually challenge me, something my middle school miserably failed to do. I never anticipated, though, that the challenges could prove to be overwhelming to the point of tears and panic attacks.

For the past week or so (ever since mid-trimester reports came out, incidentally), I've been feeling like I can't do it. My brain tells me, You can! Keep going! Go! but my heart and body want me to stop. They want me to relax, get a good night's sleep, and take time out of my life to think. I had no idea which plan is going to win out.

This evening the two ideas finally clashed enough that there was a battle (read: I cried and tried to make it all go away and hoped my dad would make it better.). My heart was telling me that it wouldn't matter if I stopped, but my brain was telling me to go anyway. The combination of the two ideas led to an odd, unexpected, and unwelcome thought. Maybe I really can't do it. Maybe I'm just not an "A" student in math (which I hate) and chemistry (which I love). Maybe it's okay to enjoy something while not excelling at it. And maybe I shouldn't worry about it and just let things happen.

I started to write a conclusion for this post and realized that I have no conclusion yet. My dad suggested a math tutor. It sounds like it might work. I know for a fact that's I'm going to see my chemistry teacher tomorrow and figure out why (after a high test grade) I'm only in the "lower part of the A range". Beyond that, though, I have no idea. For now, at least, I'm going to bed early.