My Dream Summer Job

I've found it. It's perfect. And maybe unattainable. But just the thought of it sends happy shivers down my spine, makes me smile, and makes me want to jump up and down and dance to loud music and scream and yell and shout and tell everyone.

And, apparently, use run-on sentences. Which is a problem, because I have to write an essay about why I want this job. So, I question myself, why do I want it. And then I think, I just do. But that's not a very good essay. And that begs the question to a certain extent: is it possible to want something so much that this desire subverts your attempts to reach your goal?



P.S. I meant for my last post to have a title: "Insert Title Here" with angle brackets around it. But for some reason, it disappeared. I dunno. Maybe Blogger doesn't like me.

I've started to realize that I have absolutely no talent for titling my posts. Take, for instance, these posts: [1] [2]. I gave them their titles intending to mention them in the posts, but I never got around to it.

Which is an entirely different issues. I often mean to say something in particular in my post, then realize halfway through that there's something else that makes more sense.

Whatever. I have chem and math homework to do.

Reaching and reaching.

As everyone who has and will read this knows, I attend a competitive public magnet school. I chose my school because I knew that the academics would be awesome and I would learn a lot. Additionally, I thought that the school would actually challenge me, something my middle school miserably failed to do. I never anticipated, though, that the challenges could prove to be overwhelming to the point of tears and panic attacks.

For the past week or so (ever since mid-trimester reports came out, incidentally), I've been feeling like I can't do it. My brain tells me, You can! Keep going! Go! but my heart and body want me to stop. They want me to relax, get a good night's sleep, and take time out of my life to think. I had no idea which plan is going to win out.

This evening the two ideas finally clashed enough that there was a battle (read: I cried and tried to make it all go away and hoped my dad would make it better.). My heart was telling me that it wouldn't matter if I stopped, but my brain was telling me to go anyway. The combination of the two ideas led to an odd, unexpected, and unwelcome thought. Maybe I really can't do it. Maybe I'm just not an "A" student in math (which I hate) and chemistry (which I love). Maybe it's okay to enjoy something while not excelling at it. And maybe I shouldn't worry about it and just let things happen.

I started to write a conclusion for this post and realized that I have no conclusion yet. My dad suggested a math tutor. It sounds like it might work. I know for a fact that's I'm going to see my chemistry teacher tomorrow and figure out why (after a high test grade) I'm only in the "lower part of the A range". Beyond that, though, I have no idea. For now, at least, I'm going to bed early.

Super Tuesday

I'm sleepy but I can't go to bed. I hate that feeling. Except this time it's totally my fault. I wonder when American Samoa polls close...

p.s. hillary's going to own obama.

Joy

Joy.
Happiness.
Excitement.
Pleasure.
Thrill.
Ecstasy.

They come and they go.

Quickly.

I wish.

I wish for so many things. All the time. I don't really know why--I can't help it. But that wishfulness is driving me insane right now, as I think about all the things I want but might never have.

I want to speak a foreign language, in a foreign country. I want to live abroad, but become one of the locals in some other place. I want to be fluent in language in general--not spoken language necessarily, but the way words are used, the power words can have.

I want to be able to not only understand, but use words in a meaningful way. I want to become confident enough that I don't have to worry constantly about how the words popping from my mouth will sound. I want to be able to comfort people, excite people, inspire people. I want to be able to get points across in a way that is effective but not abrasive.

I want to be confident. In life, in work, in school, and in relationships. I want to accept that I will be accepted. I want to stop being labeled a worrier.

I want to stop labeling myself. Constantly. I want my head to stop whirring once in a while, give me a chance at true peace, and let me be less calculating, less restrained, less enclosed, less quiet.

I want to be brave. I want to have the courage to speak against something I believe is unjust, and ignore the consequences. I want to be known as a young woman who stands up for what she believes in.

I want to be a really and truly good person. I want to know that such a thing is possible. I want to stand up to bullies, protect my friends, and forgive my enemies. I want to be known as someone

I want to be realistic. I want my idealism to dissipate silently and perfectly, but i want all those idealistic goals to be realized.

I want everything. I want everything good and everything bad. I want relaxation and stress, work and play, silence and noise. I want happiness and sadness.

I want the world. I want the sun and the skies and the plants and the trees.

I want hope.