My Dream Summer Job

I've found it. It's perfect. And maybe unattainable. But just the thought of it sends happy shivers down my spine, makes me smile, and makes me want to jump up and down and dance to loud music and scream and yell and shout and tell everyone.

And, apparently, use run-on sentences. Which is a problem, because I have to write an essay about why I want this job. So, I question myself, why do I want it. And then I think, I just do. But that's not a very good essay. And that begs the question to a certain extent: is it possible to want something so much that this desire subverts your attempts to reach your goal?



P.S. I meant for my last post to have a title: "Insert Title Here" with angle brackets around it. But for some reason, it disappeared. I dunno. Maybe Blogger doesn't like me.

I've started to realize that I have absolutely no talent for titling my posts. Take, for instance, these posts: [1] [2]. I gave them their titles intending to mention them in the posts, but I never got around to it.

Which is an entirely different issues. I often mean to say something in particular in my post, then realize halfway through that there's something else that makes more sense.

Whatever. I have chem and math homework to do.

Reaching and reaching.

As everyone who has and will read this knows, I attend a competitive public magnet school. I chose my school because I knew that the academics would be awesome and I would learn a lot. Additionally, I thought that the school would actually challenge me, something my middle school miserably failed to do. I never anticipated, though, that the challenges could prove to be overwhelming to the point of tears and panic attacks.

For the past week or so (ever since mid-trimester reports came out, incidentally), I've been feeling like I can't do it. My brain tells me, You can! Keep going! Go! but my heart and body want me to stop. They want me to relax, get a good night's sleep, and take time out of my life to think. I had no idea which plan is going to win out.

This evening the two ideas finally clashed enough that there was a battle (read: I cried and tried to make it all go away and hoped my dad would make it better.). My heart was telling me that it wouldn't matter if I stopped, but my brain was telling me to go anyway. The combination of the two ideas led to an odd, unexpected, and unwelcome thought. Maybe I really can't do it. Maybe I'm just not an "A" student in math (which I hate) and chemistry (which I love). Maybe it's okay to enjoy something while not excelling at it. And maybe I shouldn't worry about it and just let things happen.

I started to write a conclusion for this post and realized that I have no conclusion yet. My dad suggested a math tutor. It sounds like it might work. I know for a fact that's I'm going to see my chemistry teacher tomorrow and figure out why (after a high test grade) I'm only in the "lower part of the A range". Beyond that, though, I have no idea. For now, at least, I'm going to bed early.

Super Tuesday

I'm sleepy but I can't go to bed. I hate that feeling. Except this time it's totally my fault. I wonder when American Samoa polls close...

p.s. hillary's going to own obama.

Joy

Joy.
Happiness.
Excitement.
Pleasure.
Thrill.
Ecstasy.

They come and they go.

Quickly.

I wish.

I wish for so many things. All the time. I don't really know why--I can't help it. But that wishfulness is driving me insane right now, as I think about all the things I want but might never have.

I want to speak a foreign language, in a foreign country. I want to live abroad, but become one of the locals in some other place. I want to be fluent in language in general--not spoken language necessarily, but the way words are used, the power words can have.

I want to be able to not only understand, but use words in a meaningful way. I want to become confident enough that I don't have to worry constantly about how the words popping from my mouth will sound. I want to be able to comfort people, excite people, inspire people. I want to be able to get points across in a way that is effective but not abrasive.

I want to be confident. In life, in work, in school, and in relationships. I want to accept that I will be accepted. I want to stop being labeled a worrier.

I want to stop labeling myself. Constantly. I want my head to stop whirring once in a while, give me a chance at true peace, and let me be less calculating, less restrained, less enclosed, less quiet.

I want to be brave. I want to have the courage to speak against something I believe is unjust, and ignore the consequences. I want to be known as a young woman who stands up for what she believes in.

I want to be a really and truly good person. I want to know that such a thing is possible. I want to stand up to bullies, protect my friends, and forgive my enemies. I want to be known as someone

I want to be realistic. I want my idealism to dissipate silently and perfectly, but i want all those idealistic goals to be realized.

I want everything. I want everything good and everything bad. I want relaxation and stress, work and play, silence and noise. I want happiness and sadness.

I want the world. I want the sun and the skies and the plants and the trees.

I want hope.

A Poem

I think

Are you done?

Still thinking.

I need to know!

It’s ok.

But…!

Chill.

No!

I need time.

I gave you time!

But you didn’t.

I did!

Give me more time

Okay…

Pause.

Are you done yet?

Time!

You said you would give me time!

I did.

You still have time.

Then why are you still talking to me?

Done yet?

Leave me alone.

No.

But I need to know.

This would be quicker if you would just give me some space.

Are you there?

Hello?

Ready yet?

You don’t understand!!

I don’t understand?

Yes I do.

I understand that I’m so tired I can barely move.

I can barely write.

Barely turn the pages

Barely talk.

Hello??

It’s just that I’m getting nervous!!

I’m nervous too.

But you don’t see that.

You don’t see me

Falling asleep over math homework

Then failing the quiz the next day.

You don’t see me

Trying so hard

So hard

Too hard

To succeed.

You don’t see me

Trying to change

Become a better person

Inside and out.

You just want to know.

But I don’t know

I can’t think

when you’re talking to me

Done yet?

You think I don’t understand

This is getting stressful.

Just make a decision

ASAP

But I do

I understand stress.

I understand.

Trying to decipher your messages

Makes it worse.

Not in English

Not even close

FAIL!

You think it’s funny.

I think it’s annoying.

You’re a writer.

But you don’t act like one.

I don’t get it.

I try to understand

But you don’t understand

I understand how hard this is for you.

You don’t even try to understand.

You don’t think about what this is like for me

People are asking me about it!

You don’t give me a chance to explain.

I’m sick of being a nerd.

But you embrace it

You love it

That one difference

Caused everything.

I want to feel like a normal kid.

For the first time in my life

I want to feel special

But in a normal kid kind of way.

You want something totally different.

I want to help you.

But I want to help myself.

I want it

I want everything

All at the same time.

But I can’t have everything.

The whole world grabs me

and pulls me back.

And you help.

My remarkable lack of artistic ability.

I'm a sophomore. My friends and I have a whole set of teachers that we had last year who (of course) still love us. A few months ago, a bunch of my friends and I went to our favorite former teacher's class and played "Vocab Challenge" with his frosh. We sophomores ended up winning (of course), but playing the game only served to remind me that the amount of time I had left before the SATs was getting smaller and smaller. And, oddly enough, I missed doing vocab each week.

Afew few weeks later, two other friends and I went back to his class and listened to him read part of a story by David Sedaris to his class. Afterwards, as we complained about our current teachers, he offered to provide us with some vocab words we could study from.

We said yes.

Don't get me wrong, I still think learning new words is cool. And most of the time I'm able to look more into the future, and remember that these words will come in handy. But I still find myself resisting when I dutifully sit down at my desk and open up my dictionary. I tell myself You don't have to do this! Why are you??? But then I remember the SATs. I remember reading articles so full of big words that they may as well be in Greek. And then, after a few cards, I start to think.

This isn't so bad, I say to myself. Besides, it'll help me a lot in the long run. And that's about when it usually hits me. Just because I don't enjoy doing something doesn't necessarily mean I want to do it. Just because it seems unimportant doesn't mean it won't help me or others in the long term. And finally, I realize that maybe the real purpose of the vocab cards wasn't to teach me the words. It was to get me to realize these things.

Always Learning, indeed.

P.S. I hid a vocab word from last year in the blog post!