Waiting for something that never comes

Have you ever had that feeling like you know something big is about to happen? And then, you go over what you expect to happen over the next few days and you realize that nothing at all of note is going to occur? And, today, I've got that feeling of anticipation. There are a couple of things that could be happening. First, the freshmen are all away for two days. Maybe I'm expecting something good to come of that. Nothing has so far, unless you count the bus being late because of the freshman taking forever getting their luggage on and off.

And I don't think that anything very exciting will happen within the next few days, unless you count us playing my town in tennis this afternoon. That's just nerve-wracking, though, not exciting. Hopefully we'll win, even though our freshamn first singles player is missing. I'm playing third singles, assuming I'm no longer sick. Last night I was feeling pretty bad, but I think it was just a combination of dehydration and exhaustion. I'm almost feeling normal now.

I began this blog entry on Wednesday, then came back to it today. I've begun to realize that blog entries are better is written in one sitting. This entry is my proof of that.

No, I don't like math. Or science.

I'm in an engineering program at my school. Considering the title of this post, I can see why some might find this hard to believe. I mean, people change? And an eighth-grader might not know what they want to do with their life? GASP. Come on, get real. It's not like I don't take history or Lit. I just also happen take Intro to Engineering Design and Principles of Engineering. And I'm not very good at them. My strength is history. I'm known as that random engineering kid who wants virtually nothing to do with math. So I think it makes sense that I might not want to be defined by a choice of major that I made on a whim as an eighth-grader.

Naturally, some people don't realize that there are kids like me in engineering. I would say that about thirty to forty percent of kids at my school don't want to go into the area that they're enrolled in. I guess we tend to fly under the radar though, because today my Lit teacher made one of those statements that I get ALL THE TIME. At home and outside of school, that is. Because typically, teachers recognize that kids like me exist, but outsiders think that since I go to a "nerd school", I must fit the stereotype of an engineering geek. I am so sick of that attitude. At this point, I just want it to stop. It's not necessary, it's not true, and it hurts.

"Nice" v. "Easy" v. "Amazing"

At my school, most students really come to learn. I think, however, that the freshman have yet to recognize this characteristic within themselves. It's easy for me to understand that. After all, us nerds go through middle school trying pretty darn hard to hide the fact that we would rather be doing math or studying history than gossiping in the hallways or playing sports. Now, though, after a full year of getting that shyness thoroughly stamped out of me, the freshmen's attitude is pretty odd to deal with.

Just this morning, I overheard a conversation between two freshmen. Of course, they felt the need to include me in it. Just what I need--a conversation with freshman rather than sleep.

Patricia's Bus Conversation

Cast of Characters

• J: Somewhat arrogant, a bit of a show-off. Freshman.
• D: Don't know him. Doesn't say much here. Freshman.
  
• Me: Practically perfect in every way. Sophomore.
  

J: Oh my god! My English teacher is insane! She gave us so much homework!

D: Really? I, like, don't have any!

Me: [thinking, "Welcome to BCA, freshman."]

J: [deciding to bother me] Hey is *teacher* hard?

Me: Dunno. Never had her. [turns away quickly]

J: Wait, who'd you have?

Me: *teacher2*

J: Was he hard?

Me: Yup.

J: That sucks.

Me: Not really. I learned so much.

J: Well, was he nice?

Me: No, he was sadistic, cynical, and sarcastic. It was amazing.

J and D: [confused freshman looks on their faces]

Other non-freshmen bus riders: [thinking: "She's right. But why are they talking when they could be sleeping???"]

The End.

The lesson of this? Yes, my teacher was hard. He graded to kill. His favorite phrase was "I want you to have more work and me to have less work." But he's still the best teacher I've ever had, and his class was the best ever. And the freshmen will soon learn that Nice doesn't mean Enjoyable.

A Locker

Unless you go to my school, you probably have not heard about the locker issues we've been having. In the past students have been able to choose their lockers outright, and then used a computer system to register themselves. After years of alleged problems with lockers, this year the administration has decided that they do not want to deal with students choosing their own. Of course, they know that assigning lockers randomly would cause a rebellion, and so we all received stickers with our name and homeroom printed on them. Each person received only one sticker. Said stickers were then placed on sign-up sheets with twelve spaces available on them. We finally received our lockers today, after a full week of lugging around all our textbooks, notebooks, and binders. Of course, some people lost the stickers. I'm hardly surprised--they were small, and probably got lost among all the books were carrying.

I recognize that the administration probably thinks that this system works better than the old one. However, not getting a locker until today was pretty annoying. We were told our locker numbers in homeroom, after I had already put my tennis bag in the locker room, with my only lock used to secure it. This morning, I had four classes in a row, with no free time until 11:40, so I still had to carry around my books for a good chunk of the day.

Now, of course, I get to reap the benefits associated with having a locker. For instance, my tennis bag is in there. It sort of fits. My water bottle is too tall for the shelf on top. It's on the bottom instead. And I doubt my laptop is going to fit. I haven't tried yet. If it does, it will only be diagonally, which could make it fairly annoying to fit other books in around it. But looking on the positive side, it's near where I planned to choose my locker. And it's not next to the hallway that now serves as our cafeteria.

Hopefully, next year they will decide that assigning lockers causes too many problems.

Regret

Today I went to play tennis with my dad and my sister. She and Dad argued a bit, after which point there was really no reason to keep playing. Naturally, I realized on our way out (we were still in the driveway of the club) that I have a tennis match against IHA, a tough team, tomorrow, and I had taken about two serves and hit no more than thirty or forty shots. Obviously, yelling to Dad to turn around wasn't a viable option. So now I have to think "Oh my god, I'm not ready for the match. And my serve is still really weak. And AHA killed us."

Now, for the philosophical stuff I promised in my last entry.

That regret disappeared almost as soon as we got home and I ate some junk food. But what is the real difference between such short-term regret and longer, more important feelings. Maybe it's that I can easily blame today's incident on my sister. But maybe it's because what I did wrong today only affects tomorrow. For example, I still regret not trying harder to beat my teammate in the match that would determine who got to play singles. I could sort of blame that on my mother. After all, we didn't get to play a full tiebreaker because she was waiting. But mostly, I blame it on the fact that I didn't play hard enough, that I missed too many serves, that I hit too many balls out.

Now you, my sole reader (you know who you are), may wonder why on earth I chose this topic. If you were looking over my shoulder, however, you would know exactly how this topic came up. I'll give you a hint. I was listening to music...I was listening to Finale B from Rent. Forget regret. I don't know if it's just me, but I think that it takes a certain kind of person to truly forget regret. And I'm definitely not one of them.

What is this blog?

I know, I know. A blog is like a journal, but instead of being private in a notebook, it's public and paperless. But what I really want to know is what this blog is going to become. Will I find that I enjoy writing about what happens to me? Or will this blog become more abstract, a place where I can share my thoughts and opinions? Will this blog even exist in a few years? Who knows? Not me, certainly. I plan on writing about things that interest me, things that happen to me, and things that I think about.

The question now becomes who I am. That, at least, I can answer relatively easily. I am a teenager living in Northern New Jersey. I attend a public magnet school in an engineering program. My favorite subject in school is history, and I hope to become a lawyer when I grow up. I like theater a lot. I used to act, but now I only do stage crew. I've found that I enjoy it more than performing.

I have a thirteen-year-old sister, a mother, and a father. My mom works, and my dad stays at home to keep an eyes on my sister and me. I am on my school's JV tennis team, and I play first doubles.

I think that I've provided a fair amount of information. At least, enough information that you, the readers who probably don't exist yet, will be able to understand my perspective.

I am going to resist the urge to put up my first real post until tomorrow. Maybe somebody will find this blog and decide it's interesting between now and then.